Nerd Processor
I Saw ‘Dark Phoenix’ So You Don’t Have to
Here’s what you need to know, because you clearly aren’t going to see it yourself
Did you see the newest installment in the X-Men movie franchise last weekend? Based on the box office, probably not! Congratulations, because it turns out that was a smart decision, because I sat through it and… oof.
Let my pain be of some use, as I answer every question you might possibly have about Dark Phoenix in the most mean-spirited way possible.
(Spoilers ahead, obviously.)
How is the movie?
My full review: “Oof.”
What does that mean, exactly?
You know when you go to a wedding reception and the groom’s best man gives a speech, and he’s clearly already nervous, but then it turns out his notes still have a few typos in them, so he misspeaks a lot and he pokes a little fun at the bride, but it isn’t funny, so it feels a tiny bit mean? And then he starts telling a story about the groom and realizes halfway through it’s too inappropriate to say in front of his family, so he has to bail on it, and by that point he’s sweating, and the groom has to approach and give him an awkward hug to sort of close the…
