NERD PROCESSOR

How Supervillains Could Help Save the Planet

Doomsday devices might prove surprisingly useful in the event of the end of the world

Credit: starwars.com

Although some of us try to ignore it, the Earth is in seriously rough shape nowadays, and it’s only going to get rougher. There are plenty of plans and treaties and scientific research being done in hopes of keeping humanity from wrecking the planet completely, but we may need to think outside the box if we want to fix things. We need to think… evilly. Which means we need to take inspiration from the worst of the worst.

Here are just some of the ways various supervillains and mad scientists of comics, cartoons, and movies could really help the Earth — if they would just stop trying to take it over.

Cobra’s M.A.S.S. Device (G.I.Joe)

The snake-themed terrorist organization Cobra spent almost the entirety of the G.I.Joe: A Real American Hero cartoon trying to get their hands on some kind of doomsday device to hold the world hostage, starting with the M.A.S.S. Device in the series’ premiere. Short for the Molecular Assembler Scrambler Sender, the M.A.S.S. Device’s primary use was as a giant teleporter, which Cobra Commander used to send his armies into and out of locations in an instant, as well as steal landmarks like the Eiffel Tower (and a Russian army, for kicks).

However, its assembling/scrambling/sending technology could also be used to disintegrate things as well, such as New York City, which was on Cobra Commander’s to-do list before the Joes stopped him. While teleportation technology would be an enormous help in lessening dependence on fossil fuels, let’s not discount the Device’s disintegration powers, either. The Great Pacific Garbage Patch — the largest of five (!) giant hunks of floating trash that have coalesced into islands in the world’s oceans — is currently 600,000 square miles, or nearly twice the size of Texas. Disintegrate it, teleport it into the sun…