Nerd Processor

E.T. Is Secretly the Scariest Movie of All Time

Steven Spielberg didn’t create the universe’s most beloved alien. He created a nightmare.

Photo: Archive Photos/Getty

Yes, the much-anticipated Halloween reboot recently murdered its competition at the box office. But I regret to inform you that Michael Myers is not the most frightening monster in cinema. No, it’s not Friday the 13th’s Jason, nor Freddy of Elm Street infamy. Nor is it the Alien and Predator of Alien and Predator (respectively), Jack Nicholson in The Shining, Regan in The Exorcist, or any other traditional movie monster. I’m not afraid of any of them. That’s because I have seen the horrid, shriveled face of true cinematic evil and the inhuman, glowing finger that accompanied it.

I do not like E.T. No, check that: I loathe E.T. I hate E.T. to the core of my being. If I came home one day to find my family brutally murdered, E.T. covered in their blood, and using said blood to write “ROB BRICKEN IS AN ASSHOLE” on the wall, I would not find him more awful than I do already. Yet, somehow, countless others love E.T. His eponymous movie is regarded as one of the best family friendly films ever made, and among Steven Spielberg’s crowning achievements.

I knew E.T. was evil from a very early age.

It should go without saying that everyone is wrong, and have all been tricked by Spielberg and his malformed creation into believing E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial is wholesome and heartwarming, despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Chances are, you are one of these tens of millions of misguided souls. If so, read on, because I have an unassailable argument for why this so-called lovable alien should be feared and hated, beginning with this undeniable fact: E.T. looks like male genitalia.

I don’t say this to be crass. I absolutely do not like that he looks this way, but it cannot be denied. His large torso is a brownish, wrinkled sack atop two small feet. His head is bulbous, and upsettingly lies atop a long neck which E.T. extends whenever he is excited. It is a bleak truth, but a truth all the same. The proof is now that you’ve been made aware of it, you will never be able to unsee it, no matter how many times you watch the…